How to deal with loneliness? You can make it go away!

Why do people have to be this lonely? What's the point of it all? Millions of people in this world, all of them yearning, looking to others to satisfy them, yet isolating themselves. Why? Was the earth put here just to nourish human loneliness?” – Haruki Murakami

Loneliness is something you do not want to experience in your life. You want to loved and cherished so that you feel valuable and worthwhile. You cannot live in this world with no one to love and no one to love you. The impact of loneliness can be devastating when you do not have the will power to withstand it.

What is loneliness exactly?

• It is a state of isolation when you feel that you are alone and secluded.

How do you feel when you are lonely?

• You feel shattered and overburdened that you cannot share your feelings with anyone.
• Your heart aches for someone to listen to your woes.
• You feel totally alone even when you are with family.

Can you be lonely when you are with your family? Of course you can. Loneliness is a mindset just like happiness and it is you who have to deal with it. Why do you feel lonely in your family? You are with your spouse and children, aren’t you? Of course they are present physically, but the physical presence of your family will not take away your loneliness if you do not share emotional security with them.

Why is it so? Human mind is very complex and emotional. It demands attention all the time and when you feel that no one pays attention to you, your shrink within yourself as unwanted and unloved. You love your family and expect a reciprocal love from them. But when you feel it is not forthcoming and you are completely ignored and taken for granted, you become completely isolated from your own family.

Can we now see how each member of your family feel lonely and for what reasons?

Your parents feel lonely

Do you know that your parents feel lonely when you do not discuss anything with them? They cared for you so much and you are what you are today because of them. But you change so radically that your parents are taken aback by the indifference you show as you grow up. Why do you deviate from them when you grow up? You feel that they are too intruding and too interfering.

What do your parents expect from you?

• They want respect.
• They want you to spend some time with them.
• They want you to consult them before making any decisions.

Do you do any of these things? You avoid them when you take important decisions and they are totally ignorant of your plans for the future. You consult your friends, your colleagues, but not your parents. They hear about you from a third person and they are shattered and feel totally isolated from you. ‘Where is the son\daughter who always looked upon me as a source of love and advice’ they crumble inside with abject loneliness.

Your spouse feels lonely

Are you taken aback that your spouse feels lonely when you are there for her\him. Physical presence does not in anyway compensate for the psychological support your spouse needs.

What are the emotional cravings of your spouse?

• She\he wants demonstration of love.
• She\he wants unconditional support.
• Your spouse wants words of care and encouragement.
• He\she craves for some acknowledgment for the contribution he\she makes for the family.

Are you able to fulfill such cravings of your spouse? It is very natural for her\him to expect such mental backup from you, isn’t it? But what do you do when your spouse comes to you with a problem? Do you listen to her\him to show your unconditional support? You do not do it as your mind is focused on your own problems.

Apart from certain mutual problems like money and children, you and your spouse live as an island. With both of you working, each exists in a world of worries and issues related to your work. You worry about your work load, your abusive boss and your mind is completely focused on it. So when your spouse comes to you with the some issues he\she wants to share with you, you do not have the patience to listen to him\her.

If you totally ignore her\his need of support and go about your work as if your spouse never existed, she\he is going to feel completely lonely and deserted. ‘He\she does not care for me and it is as if I am all alone with no one to support me’ her\his mind screams in a torturous need for a kind word.

Do you think that you fulfill your duty when you live together in the same house? When your minds are poles apart, your physical presence can in no way fulfill the emotional needs of your spouse as she \he does not feel included, involved and enclosed in love with you.

Your children feel lonely too.

• Are you a strict parent?
• Do you think that your duty ends when you give them good education and buy costly things?
• Do you insist that your orders should be followed implicitly by your children?
• Do you command your children?
• Do you not give them freedom?
• Do you not trust them?

If you say ‘yes’ to all these questions your children feel fettered and shackled.

They are individuals with their own wishes and whims. You should know to treat them as friends and not crush their emotions beneath your feet as it makes them feel lonely and yearning for independence. When you listen to them and allow them to decide their lives, they respect you and also evolve as good and assertive person. .

You can feel lonely anywhere

You can feel lonely in your work place\college\ in the presence of friends. It is feeling of being left out that instigates a feeling of loneliness in you. When you are not included in conversation, when your views are not heard, when you are overlooked and when you are not respected for what you are worth you feel terribly lonely.

My daughter is working in USA and not once do I feel lonely. It is because my daughter always conveyed her love to me and frequently tells me how much she was missing me. This has made me feel wanted and loved by her and this telepathic connection of being loved makes me feel relaxed and peaceful. It is as if she is with me.

If on the other hand my daughter never called me and was formal without conveying her love, I would have felt very lonely indeed. So it is the interconnection of love that makes you feel belonged. If the message of love is not felt, you become terribly upset and distressed.

‘Loneliness is never more cruel than when it is felt in close propinquity with someone who has ceased to communicate’ - Germaine Greer

Your emotional needs will be with you till the day you live. You want to love someone and want that someone to love you. You want the connective feeling of love conveyed to you and when you do not get it you are gripped by loneliness. But you should practice mental detachment and not make yourself dependent on others for your happiness.